Posts tagged Life

You know that thing where people only try things half-heartedly, because if they really put all of themselves into it and still fail it’s going to hurt like hell?

I do it.

Acceptance is the first step towards recovery, right?

• Illness. I had to call in sick for the first time since starting my job today (stomach bug, hopefully not food poisoning), and although I know it’s ridiculous to feel guilty and like I’m failing, somehow I still do.
• Anxiety. I had a really lovely week - on Monday I saw Phoenix and it was one of the best shows I’d been on in ages; Tuesday was WBN and I had a ton of fun passing on books I love; Wednesday I had a lovely and frankly staggering surprise. These were all good things, but somehow by Thursday all I wanted to do was hide under the bed. I know that feeling overwhelmed by good things isn’t all that uncommon, but it always leaves me feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
• Reaching out and why it’s so hard. The past few days I’ve been feeling like I could really use a friend, but it’s hard to reach out to specific people when everyone has so much on their plate already and you know that your emotional needs may very well be the last straw for them at that moment. Asking directly for support is something I struggle with a lot.
• All the times I fail to “be brave and be kind” and slip into small-mindedness instead.
• This post and the wisdom of hitting “publish” when I’m done here.
• Writing and when I’ll ever get it done. It’s hard to make it fit into the current structure of my life, and yet I know that if I gave it up I’d feel empty.
• Music, and how having it on all morning kept anxiety and guilt and even physical misery to some extent at bay. I should do this more often.

You know what’s really crappy? That every time I have the impulse to tweet/post about something very stereotypically “girly”, I catch myself holding back, feeling self-conscious, second-guessing myself, and generally retracting in embarrassment - even though I REALLY DO KNOW BETTER. As an experiment, I’m going to actively counter this tendency whenever I catch myself at it. I seriously want this stuff out of my head. So, here goes:

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So, today is my last day at home home - I have no idea when I’ll be able to come back after this, since starting a new job in mid-November = uncertain Christmas holidays. I have more reasons to be excited to be going back to the UK than ever (yay, starting my new library job. yay, Neil Gaiman and Philip Pullman event on Monday. yay, bike of my very own that I’ll be getting very soon), but I’m still a little bit sad and nostalgic today. The perfect blue sky and 24 degree weather I’ll be leaving behind is definitely not helping. So, to cheer myself up, here are a couple of happy things about this week:

• Lovely autumn sunshine (duh).
• There’s now a Lush in my hometown! I can’t have baths at my new place, but I more than made up for it this week.
• Seeing my friend Debbie and her new apartment and knowing that life is going well for her despite the dismal political and economic news.
• Cats! Spending lots of time with mine and bonding with (read: having my hands mauled by) my parents’ new kitteh.
• Dogs! As above. (Minus the mauling, thankfully.)
• Making the best tomato soup ever with Roma tomatoes and abundant fresh basil from my parents’ backyard. (Abundant fresh basil! In late October! Oh, the things I used to take for granted.)
• Making the best tomato and basil risotto ever with the same ingredients.
• The chestnut mousse I made was nothing to sneer at either.
• Visiting the museum where I used to work and seeing the permanent exhibition space dedicated to the writer whose personal papers I catalogued. Also, being given a copy of the exhibition catalogue, which includes a piece that I wrote. It made me feel competent and accomplished and appreciated in a way I hadn’t in a really long time. Nothing like prolonged unemployment to make you forget that you’re a person with something to offer and who can actually do useful things.
• Feeling relaxed enough to read for periods of more than 20 minutes for the first time in over a month.

And for good measure, here are a few happy things about going back:

• Mathie (duh)
• Resuming our daily Veronica Mars sessions.
• Lovely autumn colours. The leaves are still mostly green here.
• The aforementioned bookish event on Monday.
• The Festival of Ideas, which will have lots of interesting events (including a panel on gender differences next week with the awesome Deborah Cameron).
• Seeing The Twilight Sad live two minutes away from my house.
• The job, of course.
• Chilly/misty mornings, which I do enjoy.

Okay, all done blabbing about my life now.

 crysmilecry said: Ugh yes. All of this. I do not know how people make friends outside of school/work and I am terrible at keeping in touch with people, even people I really, really want to keep in touch with, out of fear of being a bother. Ugh.

*hugs* Hopefully one day we’ll figure it out? My greatest fear is that the older I get, the hardest it will be. But I guess only time will tell.

 bookgazing said:  So good to hear you share. And this: ‘I wish there were more open conversations about how people form and handle their friendships.’ the interwebs could start this…it would be awesome. And I have fic book recs I could send you about friendship if you like.

Pleasetellusallaboutyourfriendshipsinterwebs.tumblr.com? And I’d love some recs, thanks (though obviously no rush and no pressure!). Also, although this was probably totally obvious, you’re definitely among the people I have often wished I wasn’t too embarassed to apologise to… though I guess I have now :P